Kidnapped
by Zombie Kitty
Summary: Cat and Kira are blissfully happy, Dani is 3 weeks old, and life aboard Starbug is as normal as it's going to get, but of couse nothing last's for long with GELF's about... COMPLETED
1. Story So Far & Unwelcome Visitors

**Disclaimer: **Grant Naylor ownss Red Dwarf, not me. etc...

Ok, here it is, thought the recap was too short so you've got the first chapter as a bonus, hope you like it (especially Boogle who's started hounding me about my Cat & Kira stories) Remember to read and review. Next chapter coming soon but keyboard playing up again so soz for spell mistakes - Read On...

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**Kidnapped**

Story So Far…

This is the story of the forgotten crew member of the mining ship Red Dwarf, the crew member's name is Kira Olivier. She was rescued from death by dodgy drive plates when Cat rescued her using a leak in stasis on floor 16. She and the other misfits of Red Dwarf has many adventures – often ending in been rescued by each other from life threatening situations and/or been cured of mal-adjusted mutated viruses. Whilst with the Dwarfers, she grew ever closer to Cat, as they fell in love and she became pregnant with his… kitten.

Unfortunately she contracted a mutated Influenza virus during her 8th month of pregnancy and was placed in a stasis booth aboard Starbug, whilst a cure was found. Revived a couple of hundred years later she gave birth to a Daughter, named Danielle Alegra Kristina Catrina Olivier.

Now her story – and the search for Rd Dwarf continues…

Unwelcome Visitors

Lister walked lazily into the cockpit, he stepped over a hand made soft toy monkey and flopped into his chair. He opened a can of larger and propped his feet up on the console sighing in contentment.

He turned to his right to see Cat cradling Dani in his arms and Rimmer stood in the doorway pulling faces in annoyance droning on about how the cockpit wasn't a crèche.

"We've got Kryten always ironing or washing or some smeg, right now Kira's filling milk bottles," He shuddered as he sat down. "And now you're ignoring you're duties too." Rimmer picked up a changing bag full of the 21st century nappy brand "Pampers" from the floor and moved it onto Kira's chair to be out of the way.

"Chill out man, just because her first name ain't Alegra." Lister smiled as he lent over and lifted the 3 week old half kitten from her father. Lister sat Dani on his chest and placed his hat on her head, she gurgled and snuggled up to him.

"Guys, I'm getting something in my left nostril." Cat warned as he winkled his nose up in disgust.

"You sure it isn't Dani?" Rimmer asked, rolling his eyes.

"No – wring kind of smell. It's a smelly, furry, ugly kind of smell." He elaborated.

"Oh you mean Listy?"

"No it's not grease stain, there's no curry scent..." Cat started but descended to mumbling. "Oh my days." He whispered after a moment, starting to freak out his buds.

"What? What is it?" Lister asked, panic rising in his voice as he instinctively tightened his grip on Dani.

"It's the in-laws bud." Cat explained as a GELF battle cruiser de-cloaked in front of them.

"SMEG!" Lister cried, standing up smartish but still holding onto Dani who was beginning to cry, but Cat couldn't tell whether it was from the shouting or the GELF ship's scent.

"Threat warning – they have a lock on, we've got 5 minutes to decide whether to fight, flee or talk." Rimmer told the others.

"DAMN! Guys – Get in here – LILAC ALERT!" Lister called behind him, over the din of Dani's crying and Rimmer's rants of "We're gonna die!". Kira bust in holding a bottle of milk which she threw to Lister, who caught it and gave it to Dani to try and calm her down. Kryten followed a few seconds later.

"What's lilac alert?" Kira asked as she moved the changing bag and sat down.

"It's like red alert ma'am but the only replacement working bulbs we could find were the lilac ones left over from Christmas." Kryten explained.

"Err right. What's happening?"

"Monkey's wife." Cat groaned.

"Should I load the garbage cannon sir?"

"Hang on – You're married?" Kira laughed.

"Hey it was a trade me for oxygen, didn't work out though – could get it annulled but the in-laws would kill me."

"Looks like the going to anyway bud."

"What's she like?" Kira asked at the same time as Kryten re-asked about the garbage cannon.

"Bigfoot's ugly brother – No kryten, we can't fight they could blow us to bits in one hit at that range, we can't flee either, we'll have to negotiate." Lister deduced, as he tilted the bottle so the more subdued Dani could drink easier.

"Negotiate? We might as well die now!"

"Getting a transmission – Punching it up." Kryten said as he pressed a button, causing the face of a GELF to fill a monitor. It began to speak in its native tongue, but the words were run through the translator.

"Dave come back, daddy want to – Who is that?" The voice asked as the GELF on screen lifted a hairy finger and pointed at Dani.

"Oh this is Danielle." Lister said, lifting her up for his "wife" to see her better, hoping she'd go soft on Dani and leave. The GELF stared in Disbelif then shock as she noticed Kira for the first time.

" Please go and leave my family and friends in peace - Dave doesn't want you and you can't harm an innocent child." Kira begged as Dani gurgled and pushed the empty bottle away.

"You have a child?" The machine translated as the GELF's face disappeared from the monitor.

"Hey babe, I think gorilla girls thinks – DANI!" Cat screamed as she vanished from his Bud's arms and reappeared on the monitor – been held by the "wife".

"We used the matter transporter you gave us to take you're child, your molecular structure is too large, so she is been used as a bargaining tool. No harm will come to her as long as you come to me and the three of us can be a family – forget the female. Daddy will even forget about the oxy pack thing." The translation ended and everyone stared in shock for a second till Kira burst into tears and the normally cool Cat rose form his chair, his hackles raised, his face dark.

"Give me back my kitten." He growled before turning and taking Kira's hand in his to comfort her.

"Your child?" The GELF began to panic before calming herself.

The teeth should have been a big giveaway." Rimmer smirked, but quickly shut up as Cat threw him a glare.

"Make a choice - the child or Dave." The GELF ultimated, holding up the howling Dani who was still wearing Lister's hat.

"YOU WHAT!" Kira screamed in anger as she staggered to Cat and collapsed onto his knee, laying her head on his shoulder and crying in anguish.

"Dave comes to me, or I keep the girl."

"NO!" Cried the distraught couple as the others – especially Lister looked on aghast.

"You have one minute to enter the airlock Dave." She warned as the crew felt the GELF ship dock with Starbug.

Lister suddenly felt all eyes on him. He looked from Cat and Kira to the empty milk bottle he'd been feeding Dani with, not a few minutes earlier. He gulped and walked towards the airlock door.

"Sir I must object." Kryten began, but Lister cut him off.

"Look, I like the idea of been a GELF's sex toy for all eternity as much as the next guy, but there's no other way kryters – don't bother trying to get me, they'll only nick Dani again."

"Cut out noble crap Listy – It doesn't suit you." Rimmer scoffed half heartedly.

Lister smiled weakly and stepped into the air lock.

As he closed to door the last voice he heard was Cat's –

"We've got to get him from freak face somehow." Lister stepped onto the GELF vessel, wishing he could believe Cat's promise, wishing things were normal and this hadn't happened, he shook his head and looked around wearily as he felt the vessel separate from Starbug, but in the dim light he could barely make anything out. The next thing he knew he was been grabbed from the side, and blackness enveloped him as something hit him on the back of the head.


	2. Backstabbers

Disclaimer: don't own RD, etc...

Right thank you for the 3 reviews but I need more reviews people, I want to know what you guys are thinking of my writing.

(Special thanks to Boogle my only consistent writer and no.1 fan, hope you like this chapter)

Right read on, I copied this up on a break from homework as I decided I had left you all hanging for long enough, chapter 3 (Waking Reality) will be along soonish.

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Backstabbers

The crew staggered back into the cockpit, with even Rimmer feeling subdued.

"Contacting GELF vessel." Kryten updated as he punched some buttons.

To try and take control it was Rimmer who spoke first. "We did what you asked, now return Dani."

"No." Came the reply, causing a lot of panic, crying and disbelief from the remaining dwarfers.

"We had a DEAL!" Kira screamed at the furry monstrosity on screen.

"Ackechackichalack is so adorable I'm gonna keep her anyway and make a family." The GELF explained, the translation machine not picking up the obvious smugness that existed in her real voice.

"And you're defiantly not going to give her back?" Rimmer asked, deep in thought.

"No, I'm not."

"In that case we surrender."

"Shut up trans–am nostrils." Cat hissed at the hologram. "Her name is Danielle – and she isn't yours to keep furball!" Cat added, his voice full of anger.

"Like you can do anything." She laughed in a cackle like croaky voice, almost drowning out the sound of the translator and Kryten's panicked voice.

"Sirs, they're powering up weapons – FIRING!" Kryten screamed as the maiming shot rocked the ship, throwing everyone to the floor.

Cat lifted is head and turned round at Rimmer's voice.

"Not again." As he turned he saw Rimmer's flickering hologram faded then disappear, his light bee bounced off his chair and into Dani's changing bag, a small groan erupted from the light bee, before all was silent from Rimmer.

"Apart from Alphabet head, everyone else ok?" Cat asked as he helped Kira to his feet.

"I think so sir, I believe the blast was only meant to immobilise us temporarily so they can be out of the area long before we're able to retaliate – I think the GELF knew if she killed us Mr Lister would be less inclined to ever accept her – and Dani if she grew up knowing the truth of her parents.

"Never thought it would be me saying this to you bud – but shut up unless you have something useful to say." Cat warned as he smoothed back his hair, mentally calmed himself to the situation and checked the monitor readouts.

"Damage report?" Kira asked as she too tried to block out thoughts of grief.

"Thrusters are caput – we're flying slower than an overweight snail, fuel intake chambers are flooded, the thermostats busted and the sleeve of my suit's torn, add to that the fact that my kitten and best friend have been kidnapped by a broody GELF with PMT, I am NOT having a good day!" Cat slammed his fist down on the console, causing a small electronic surge to enter his body, making him jump in pain and cause his hair to frizz. He caught sight of his reflection in a blacked out monitor. "Ok NOW I'm having a REALLY bad day!" He whined and ranted, spinning round in anger and collapsing again into his chair.

"Sir if I may intervene – the teleporter." Cat smiled at Kryten's suggestion

"Bud – You're a genius!"

"I try my best sir." Kryten replied as he entered smug mode.

"Excuse me." Kira started as Cat passed her and went into the midsection of Starbug. "But why did no-one think of the teleporter earlier?" she asked feeling a bit annoyed at their own stupidity.

"One, we probably would have been blasted regardless for attempting such a feat at close range, and two… I guess we were just a bit too shocked at the time." Kryten speculated as Cat re-entered the cock-pit, carrying 3 bazookoids, He passed one to the reluctant Kryten and flung the other two over his shoulders. Kira was about to make a comment about where had he got the hair gel from for his newly smoothed hair, but quickly forgot about it as she sensed a conspiracy of sorts.

"Aren't you going to give me one?" She asked, pointing at the bazookoids, feeling desperate to go after the GELF and her baby, if Lister's wife was bad, just wait till she came across a rampaging mother.

"Love to babe, but someone's gotta stay to sort out this piece of junk and be here when buzz bee comes back online." Cat explained in a cheeky but serious way.

"He's right ma'am you have to attempt to move the Bug from the area, somewhere shielded from the GELF's sensors, maybe on the far side of a moon or with the use of the cloaking device, the GELF's will come immediately back to this spot the second we have rescued Mister Lister and Miss Dani." Kryten elaborated as Cat and Kira started to look deep into each other's eyes.

"How will you get back?" Kira asked Cat, though it was Kryten who answered.

"If I key in the homing beacon co-ordinates we'll materialise back inside Starbug – wherever it is." Kryten would have elaborated more but the other two crew members were no longer listening.

Kryten sighed, kissing was just another way of transferring germs and bodily fluids he told himself, however despite his robotic-ness he was still feeling himself enter "cry mode" He decided that he must stop watching Mister Lister's film collection and started to reprogram the teleporter's settings.


	3. Waking Reality

Disclaimer: Last time I'm gonn type this in this story, i don't own RD as you all know

Thanks Boogle for reviewing, so here's a treat - hope you like it and plz ppl review chapter 2 as well as 3, i want as much constructive feedback as possible! (I might put chapter 4 up in the early hours depends how awake I am and if I've done much of the work I've got left to do) (Chapter 4 will be called Invasion) 

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Waking Reality

His head was ringing with pain and Dani was crying loudly somewhere to his right. He opened his mouth to yell for Cat – then it hit him – he had traded himself for Dani, he was no longer on Starbug, but on a murky GELF vessel with his "wife" Then another thought struck him – Why in smegs's name was Dani still aboard? Surly she should have returned by now?

He jumped in fright as he heard a gruff female voice address him from the shadows. "Hi Dave." He looked up to see his "wife" standing over him fluttering her eye lids in a way that she thought was provocative. Lister resisted the overwhelming temptation to throw up and tried to stay calm.

"How can you -?" He began, but she cut him off sharply.

"Translation mind thingys, Daddy got the doc to put one in your head so you understand me." She moved closer for a moment then retreated and picked up Dani who cried even harder at the smell and feel of this terrible monster who was not her mother or father, as she cried she sensed her body temperature begin to drop, but having no grasp of the English language she could not communicate with her uncle so continued to cry till Lister staggered forward and took her in his arms, her crying quietened from the comfort of him though Lister and Dani both knew she couldn't survive without the bond from Cat or Kira.

"You said you'd give her back." Lister reminded as he cradled his adoptive niece in his arms.

"I changed my mind." The GELF replied simply as if it didn't matter what she did.

"CHANGED YOUR MIND? This isn't a "Pick-A-Partner" or "Nick-A-Kid" you know, it's not like shopping you can't go, "I think both specimens are lovely daddy, and I know I said I only wanted one, but I think the American Express card can stretch." Lister erupted in anger, looking round in desperation for an escape route but seeing nothing.

"But Dave, we can be a family – you, me and Ackechackichalack" The GELF insisted, pressing her body against Lister's, he hugged Dani closer to him and backed away in disgust.

"Me and Danielle Alegra Kristina Catrina Olivier already have a family of sorts – on Starbug." Lister said pointedly as he moved round putting a counter between him and the horny, family mad GELF.

"You'll accept me in time – both of you, maybe even love me, you'll forget all about your past life." The GELF tried to sound seductive and swayed in a way she thought would be appealing but of course all this was lost on Lister who was still stepping backwards towards the furthest wall from the GELF, praying for a way out.

"Dani is repulsed by the scent of your smegging presence and I accept my athlete's foot, it doesn't mean I'm gonna claim undying love for it." Lister scoffed as loudly as he could whilst still sounding brave. "Anyways you gotta give Dani back, she's part feline – she'll die without her parents for the bond alone, and what kind of parent retard are you?" He asked pointing at a plate of raw meat. "She's too young for that she need's Kira's milk." Lister shook his head in disbelief and carefully reached down and picked up the animal fur Dani had been laid on, he wrapped Dani in it for the extra heat and held her close making soft shushing noises, glad she was wearing his hat on her head so almost her entire body had some extra insulation. He then closed his eyes and leaned against the wall, sliding down till he sat on the floor, he sensed the GELF's eyes burning into him and he just used Dani's crying to try and block out the claustrophobia that was beginning to take effect. He heard his "wife" stomp towards the door, he opened an eye to see her gazing at him angrily.

"I don't believe you – you're trying to trick me, - I will NOT be tricked!" She stormed out, locking the door behind her." Lister closed his eye again, wishing it was a trick, still trying to block out the claustrophobia, and to calm Dani he started to sing "To Ganymede & Titan" hoping for a rescue or anything, he yawned as Dani did between screams and felt himself drift into unconsciousness, Dani's crying becoming fainter by the second as he seemed to drift further away from reality.


	4. Invasion

Ok thanks so much for reviewing Boogle and thanx for all the praise and everything, and glad I helped you with the Holly watch idea. Invasion ain't that good a title for this chapter but Rescue is the title of the 5th and final chapter so I think you can guess whats going to happen, anyway enjoy and a polymorph Cat & Kira story is planned, and I've nearly finished Seeing Double, I thought it was at a dead end but my mate Josh gave me a neat idea so I'll post seeing Double soon (non Cat & Kira story)

Anyway read on and review please people!

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Invasion

Kryten and Cat – who had done a quick suit change, materialised in one of the many dingy corridors of the GELF ship. "Now what bud?" Cat asked quietly, holding the two bazookoids in front of him and twirling on the spot, waiting for a ambush or something to happen.

"I suggest you locate them using your nose sir – before we are detected." Kryten recommended.

"Give me a second bud, this place reeks more than monkey's sock basket." Cat moaned, trying to pick out the GELF's from the ship and his daughter and Lister from the surrounding smells. His nose winkled in disgust and get gagged slightly feeling sorry for Dani, he strained his ears but reasoned they must be at the far side of the ship, or at least in a sound proof room as he could not hear her crying. "What about the scanny thing?" Cat asked after a moment.

"I'm afraid I neglected to bring the psi-scan sir." Kryten admitted, feeling slightly foolish as they began to creep down the corridor.

"I can smell them now, their down here somewhere, can't make out the GELF's scents very well though, my vision will pick them up at a closer proximity though." Cat whispered.

"Maybe so sir, but it appears they know exactly where we are – dim ship lighting or not." Kryten observed at a klaxon began to blare somewhere above their heads. "So I believe now would be a good time to make as Mister Lister would, and "leg" it."

"Good idea bud." Cat replied but made no move to follow Kryten.

"Sir? You said yourself the others are down here."

"Yeah but my nose is telling the GELF smells apart and our welcome party is coming from down there – you don't think I'm gonna run towards those things do you?" Cat asked as he grabbed Kryten by his robotic arm and the two started to run down the corridor.

They soon found themselves in a cargo bay, they ducked behind some boxes to recover their bearings and think of a plan.

"What we do now?" Cat asked, gasping for breath. "I can smell them getting nearer, and I didn't bring any clothes that go with brown."

"The air ducts sir? I doubt they could follow or track us in there." Kryten began to pull at an air vent, but before they could move another inch a hoard of GELF's surrounded them, all bearing weapons.

"Forget that!" Cat cried as he grabbed the other side of the teleporter and punched some buttons, the two crewmates disappeared from the GELF's vision as they fired several rounds.

The two re-materialised a behind the GELF's and after checking he hadn't been shot Cat started to lead Kryten in the direction of their target as quickly as they could, though it wasn't long before they had to start ducking a long the way as the GELF's caught up.

"We better loose the hairy grandmas before we get them." Cat said to Kryten as he turned right at a junction instead of left which led to the room where his kitten and Lister were being held.


	5. Rescue

Thanks for the reviews people, hope you enjoy the chapter, and I've nearly finished Seeing Double then I will either do my original story that will have the umbrella corp breifly mentioned so it goes under Resident Evil fanfics (this is just so I can post it) or I will do a emohawk follow on from either the Emohawk episode or from Kidnapped (I may do both - the idea's are only loosly related, but vote whether I do Kira & Cat Emohawk or TV series Emohawk, or even if I do the "Resident Evil" one next, do this in your reviews people please)

Anyway thanks again Sunrise Wildfire and especially Boogle... read on.

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Rescue

Lister awoke at the sound of weapons fire – as did Dani who began to cry softly, she felt so cold Lister thought as he rocked her gently, he stood up slowly but excitedly as he heard scuffling at the door, but was sorely disappointed when it was just his "Wife" who appeared in the doorway.

"I knew I should have allowed daddy to destroy your precious Starbug!" She started, stamping her foot in anger, I just wanted to be kind to you by letting them live, but no they find some way around their damage which was quite severe and they are here to steal my family!" She continued to rant, Lister meanwhile felt his claustrophobia and fear ebb away as annoyance overcame him. He continued to rock the worryingly subdued Dani, and rolled his eyes.

"You nicked Cat's family you furry git, you thought he was just going to stand by and watch as you steal then effectively kill his kitten? What station are you on – Loony FM?" Lister scoffed as he edged his was towards the open doorway – hoping the GELF would move far enough inside the room for him to sneak past. However her next words stopped Lister dead in his shuffling.

"I'll make up for it now, your friends will be killed the second they are caught, and the satisfaction far outweighs the tiff it will cause between us.

"TIFF! Now hang on a second you can't just go killing people when you feel like it – remember that people shopping discussion we had earlier? It's like that only with returning goods. Sheesh, can't we calk about this over a peace treaty and a curry?" Lister asked hopefully stifling a cry of disgust as he came close enough to be in range of the GELF's bad breath, he felt sorry for Dani who was now bawling for her parents as loud as she could – which wasn't that loud now.

"No we can't, they are disrupting my life and we and never be a family while they are alive – you would always try to escape me instead of accepting me." The GELF insisted thinking how annoying this creature was – she'd been named "Swamp Beauty Of The Year" 3 years running in her village, yet here was a being who seemed repulsed by her – by GELF standards his looks weren't much above average but was she making a fuss? No.

"Women and their smegging biological clocks." Lister muttered as the sound of someone else coming down the corridor reached the doorway, and Kryten and Cat burst in looking out of breath, Cat took one look at the GELF and aimed both the bazookoids at her as Kryten initiated the manual override on the door lock.

"Great timing guys." Lister said, as he swapped Dani for a bazookiod. The GELF tried to move closer as if to take Dani but stopped as Cat took an offensive stance.

"Keep away you kitten napping pile of smeg, you nearly killed Dani and you're not touching any of us again. Not to mention I'll probably have to de-flea her now." Cat warned as he waved the bazookoid in the GELF's face.

"Well I say that – I DON'T HAVE FLEAS YOU PATHETIC FELINE MONSTROSITY!" She yelled Cat jumped back in surprise – not that he knew what the words meant. He looked briefly at Kryten.

"She said she didn't have fleas sir." Kryten translated as he started to key in the homing mechanism.

"What she say then?" Cat asked again as the GELF continued. Cat wished she would just shut up so he could shoot her – maybe he should just tear the voice box from her ugly throat he wondered – would serve her right.

"That you wouldn't dare shoot her." Lister supplied, breaking Cat's thoughts. Cat smiled at the translation.

"She wanna bet? – Hey how'd you know that? You ain't going GELF on me are you bud?"

"No, she put something in my head." Lister explained briefly, as Cat softly rocked Dani.

"How's she doing?" Lister asked, not taking his eyes of the GELF in case she tried something.

"Body temperature's rising, she's going to be fine as soon as we get back to Kira."

"Sirs I suggest we leave now sirs, the GELF's could override the override at any time." Kryten insisted, a hint of panic in his voice.

"Cat." Lister encouraged, as Cat was still staring at the GELF thinking of many ways to torture her – and the rest of her suit tearing, kitten-napping bunch of flea ridden crew.. "Time to go home – to Kira… and Rimmer." Lister sighed as he and Cat took hold of other sides of the teleporter.

Cat felt the room dissolve around him, the last thing he saw being the angry face of the GELF mouthing something at him. Then he was back on Red Dwarf, he was about to run to the cockpit where he could sense Kira, but then turned and asked Kryten who the GELF had said, the answer made him shudder; "We'll find you."

Cat then shouted Kira's name and bounded into the cockpit, triumphantly holding up Dani who he then gave to a joyous Kira who took her daughter and cuddled her deeply before enveloping both Dani and Cat in a family reunion hug.

Rimmer rolled his eyes half heartedly as he continued with some console repairs.

"Are we out of range or at least the sector?" Lister asked as he stumbled into the cockpit, and collapsed into his chair.

Kira parted from Cat, still holding Dani, As she didn't want to embarrass or frustrate any of the other dwarfers she knelt down into the pampers bag, and after rooting in a side pocket brought out a bottle of milk which she then proceeded to feed to her hungry kitten. She answered Lister's query as she did so. "We're only on half power but somehow we're about a day an a half ahead of the GELF's and I've managed to get the invisibility shields working that we can use for a short bit of time if we need to."

"We better continue with these repairs as quickly as we can to bring us up to full power and get out of here – I don't fancy an angry re-run with the in-laws." Lister retorted as a joke though it was in fact deadly serious.

"I'm picking something up – Its Red Dwarf's vapour trail!" Rimmer cried excitedly, the revelation starting a series of smiles and cheers.

"Plotting a course."

"Brutal!" Lister shouted, grabbing a disgruntled Cat in a half hug, half headlock, similar to when he first met his friend and asked Holly to set a course for Fiji. "We're going home guys!"

It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere,

I'm all alone, more or less,

Let me fly far away from here,

Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun.

I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose,

Drinking fresh mango juice,

Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes,

Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun,

Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun,


End file.
